Q&A: Lenora Boyle

Lenora Boyle helps people learn how to be happy. I discovered her approach, called the Option Method, after she sent me an email a few weeks ago offering to do a Q&A with me. On the surface, it sounds very New Agey – she helps people discover the beliefs they hold that are limiting them. But after talking with her on the phone last week about it, I started to see how it also made a lot of sense. Here’s part of our conversation; you can learn more about her on her website or blog.

How did you first discover the Option Method?

It was about 16 years ago. It was created by Dr. Bruce Di Marsico, a therapist in New York. He asked himself questions, like, “If I wanted to be happy, what would I ask myself?” He created a series of questions. I trained with one of his students for many years, and now, 16 years later, I’ve been teaching workshops around the U.S., through online courses, and private coaching.

I ask people questions about why they’re unhappy. People don’t come to me unless they feel some pinch or some worry that not able to move forward or get what they want. It doesn’t mean depression, just some unwelcome feeling. Until we can change those limiting beliefs, we can’t move forward.

Why were you personally drawn to that approach?

I had a three-year-old daughter, and a second child who was born prematurely. He was in the hospital for three weeks, and the first few years were very challenging. He was not really healthy and cried a lot. I felt like a failure as a parent. Because he wasn’t happy, and your kids are supposed to be happy. It’s your responsibility to make them happy. That was the belief that I had.

A friend told me about the Option Method and we started asking each other the questions and training. I needed it for my own personal well-being. This was a way I could start taking care of myself. It’s about finding out if you can be happy even before you fix everything that you think needs to be fixed. We all think, “Once I get married, then I’ll be happy,” or, “Once I get a career going, then I’ll be happy. Now once I get a new house, or once I have a kid.” There’s always that carrot out there. We use happiness as a carrot, but it’s short-lived.

So did the method help you?

Yes. I started being happy. The idea that we have to be unhappy in order to improve ourselves is a very popular cultural belief that is a limiting belief keeping us in fear and unhappiness. I started exploring that – that if I was happy and my child was unhappy, that would mean I did not care. What would happen if I were happy? I came to a place where [I realized], if I were happy, I think I could probably help him more. So I became happier, and freer.

Can you give some more examples of limiting beliefs?

A limiting belief is a perception of reality or conclusion you came to, maybe something you were told that you had no reason to doubt, that blocks unhappiness. Like, “I’m not good enough,” or some version of that. “I’m not young enough, skinny enough, or experienced enough. I’m just not enough.”

How does the coaching work?

I start by asking, “How are you feeling?” If it’s something that’s unwelcome, then that’s what we want to know about. If it’s a lost job, for example. Now we refine it – what about that involves feeling sad? I don’t assume anything. I follow what that person says. I’m not leading them anywhere. That’s the brilliance of it, it’s based on acceptance. I’m not analyzing, critisizing, or critiquing. I think that’s what allows the person to go deeply and explore what they’re feeling, and maybe even allow beliefs to come to the surface. You start seeing that there are more options available to feel and believe.

Want to learn more? Try out Lenora’s questions on yourself.